?

Log in

No account? Create an account

Earlier | Later

The Sentinel/General/025. Depressed

Title: Moving On Past
Fandom: The Sentinel
Characters: Blair Sandburg, Simon Banks, Jim Ellison (in spirit)
Prompt: 025. Depressed
Word Count: 1655
Rating: PG-13
Warnings/Spoilers: DEATH STORY!! Angst, spirits
Summary: It's the day of the funeral and Blair is trying to cope as best as he can. Also, Blair leaves Cascade and talks to Jim. This is the third story in the series which includes: 1) A Broken Heart and 2) Almost Gone
A/N: I do not own The Sentinel or any of the characters. This was written for 100moods
Table


Moving On Past
Debbie


No amount of prodding or encouragement or words could get Blair to move from the spot where he was standing. Everyone had finally let him be and left him alone to deal with this on his own. He was grateful that everyone, except the gravedigger and his assistants had left the area. Even the people from the funeral home had gone.

Blair reflected on the funeral. It had been a tribute to Jim, just the way William Ellison had wanted it. Blair had been able to control his emotions, even when others had been unable to. But he felt depressed to his very core. This was the end. This was Jim's final resting place. Blair wanted to deny it, but it wouldn't go away.

He stood here, watching as the workers prepared to lower the casket into the grave. Blair had felt an overwhelming need to be here and watch every step. The anthropologist in him realized the custom and ritual of the burial, but the man and the friend felt only profound sadness as he watched Jim take his final journey, alone.

Blair stood by the grave even after the workers had finished their chore. He couldn't bring himself to leave just yet. One corner of his mind knew Simon, Joel, William, Steven and everyone else would be worried about him. However, all of them knew he was still here. And he had promised Simon he would return to his house eventually. Right now, though, he needed this time alone with… Jim.

"I'm going to be leaving Cascade in the next couple of days, Jim. I know what you would say. I've given Steven the loft. Simon and Joel had to get my things out of there and your dad and Steven took care of your things. I just couldn't go back there after… it would have drove me mad. I'm already depressed. I don't need to add madness onto that. If it's okay with you, I'm going to try to publish the sentinel study, dedicated to you. If there are others out there like you, and Alex, then they need something to help them, instead of being ignored and labeled a *freak* or worse, put into a mental hospital where no one listens to their claims." Blair paused, sitting down beside the mound of dirt there. "I know you told me a time or two you were on the verge of either having yourself committed or swallowing a bullet before I came into your life. I'm just glad it didn't come to that. And I'm proud to have called you my friend and that I was able to help you with your senses so that you realized they were more of a help than a hindrance over the years. I'm going to miss you and I'm sure I'll never have another friend like you in my life."

Blair sat there for a while longer, then got to his feet and left the cemetery. He had decided to leave Cascade the day after tomorrow. He wasn't sure where he was going to end up, but he did know it would be a solitary and lonely life.

~o0o~

When Blair got back to Simon Banks' house, he noticed almost everyone was still there. He stood outside, took a deep breath and then walked inside, waiting for the onslaught. He endured condolences from everyone and more Jim stories. At least, he didn't get angry with anyone this time. He just sort of listened without really listening. He was in a daze and after some time, Simon directed him to the bedroom where he had been staying and sat him down on the edge of the bed.

"Why don't you try to get some sleep? I've noticed you haven't been sleeping lately. Sooner or later, you're going to crash and you might as well be here when you do."

Blair looked up at Simon standing there. There was something he really wanted to say. "I want to thank you for being a great friend, Simon. To both Jim and I. I know you could have just dismissed me that first day and there were times, over the years, when I thought you were going to do just that. I suspect Jim had a lot to do with you accepting me because I was helping him." Blair noticed the look Simon was giving him. "It's okay, Simon. It's been that way for me most of my life. It takes people a while to accept me and to get to know the *real* me, although I have to admit, it's not very often I let people see the *real* me. Over the years, it becomes easier and easier to adapt to other people's perceptions."

"I consider you a friend, Blair. I will always consider you a friend. You have proven yourself over the years. Surprised the heck out of me, but you are a good person. Don't let anyone tell you anything otherwise."

Blair lay down on the bed. He heard Simon leave the room, closing the door behind him. It had been an eventful day and the solitude was welcome. He soon drifted off to sleep, aware there were still people outside the door.

~o0o~

He awoke to the blue jungle setting. Blair paused before cautiously treading forward, alert for anything. He came to a clearing and saw him there. Jim. Blair wiped at his eyes and stepped forward. Jim turned to face him and smiled.

"I'm glad you came, Blair. I was hoping you would."

"I didn't want to. I knew you were dead and that this would confirm it."

"But we have this when we want it." Jim waved his arms in the air, indicating the surrounding area.

"Only for a short time. I wanted to follow you."

"You can't follow me, Chief. You have things left undone."

"And you don't… didn't have things left to do?"

"You just wanted to hold onto me."

Blair smiled and sat down beside Jim. He reached out and touched his arm, it feeling as solid as it ever had. "I still want to hold on."

"I'm in your heart and soul, Blair. Never doubt that. I know that's not the same as physically there with you, but you can survive this. I know it seems like a daunting task right now, but with time, it gets easier."

"I'm leaving Cascade." Blair looked away from Jim, towards the nearby forest.

"I heard you, Chief. I wish you'd reconsider. This is your home."

"You were my home. With you gone, so is my home. I'll find another place to live. But it will never be a home."

"Somehow, I can't see Blair Sandburg withdrawing from civilization. That's not what an anthropologist does."

"This anthropologist does. I'll publish the sentinel findings and hope it helps others."

"You'll continue to come visit me, right?" Jim gently rubbed Blair's back.

"Sure, Jim. I'll be here."

~o0o~

Blair left Cascade, not telling anyone of his intentions. He drove for hours, no set destination in mind. He stopped at a rest stop when he got tired, sleeping in his car, making sure he locked the doors first.

He kept driving further and further away from Cascade, not worrying about where his final destination was. When he finally had driven far enough, he looked at where he was. Just about as far from civilization as he could get. He got out of his car and surveyed the land. This would do just fine. He wanted no interaction with civilization. With his depressed mood, it would suit him just fine.

He hiked along the road, coming to an abandoned cabin. He decided to stay there for a while and polish up his sentinel research. He wouldn't be disturbed out here.

He would spend a lot of time talking to Jim. Well, in reality, he was talking to the air and the peaceful surroundings, but it made him think of Jim. When he would meditate and go on the spirit plane and actually *see* Jim, he would confirm that he heard Blair talking to him the whole time.

In his more sane moments, Blair knew he was losing touch with reality, but it didn't bother him too much. He had lost everything else, so the only thing left to lose was reality. He had no grand illusions of ever teaching again or interacting with groups of people again, so his embracing the spirit world was fine by him. It brought him closer to Jim than he had been since the older man's death. His depressed mood seemed to lift when he knew he was in touch with Jim.

~o0o~

Blair sat cross-legged at the edge of the river, telling Jim that he had just finished his sentinel book, including all of the research he had collected over the years, both with working with Jim and the short time he had worked with Alex. He was excited about the prospect of becoming published.

"Are you going to do an author tour?"

"I wasn't planning on it. I have a friend at the University of California, Berkeley, who is arranging to have the study published through them. It will only have a limited release. I don't expect it to be on any bestsellers."

"I thought you wanted fame and fortune? That it was going to be a bestseller?"

"It's not a page turner, Jim. I can see it being helpful to psychiatrists, psychologists, behavioral scientists."

"You didn't include the cases, did you?"

"I couldn't do that, Jim. I didn't have the clearance for that."

"Do you miss Cascade?"

"I miss you and me there together."

"You know, you could do this there."

"No, I couldn't. It's too painful to be in the same city where you died." Blair got to his feet and started pacing back and forth. Leave it to Jim to bring his good mood to a crashing halt.

Profile

Jim?, You mean that
debsfic
debsfic
These are my stories chronicling the continuing adventures of Jim Ellison and Blair Sandburg, Sentinel and Guide, partners and friends.

Latest Month

April 2012
S M T W T F S
1234567
891011121314
15161718192021
22232425262728
2930     
Powered by LiveJournal.com