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Earlier | Later

The Sentinel/General/003. Angry

Title: Almost Gone
Fandom: The Sentinel
Characters: Blair Sandburg, Simon Banks
Prompt: 003. Angry
Word Count: 1598
Rating: PG-13
Warnings/Spoilers: DEATH STORY!! Angst, DEATH STORY
Summary: Blair is still dealing with Jim's death. This is a sequel to A Broken Heart
A/N: I do not own The Sentinel or any of the characters. Table
Written for 100moods


Almost Gone
Debbie



Blair sat on the edge of the bed, barely containing his anger. He was angry at the world, or so it seemed at the time. He had tried contacting his mother, which had come up unsuccessfully. She had chosen this time to be unavailable to him. He had wanted to talk to her, to tell her about Jim's death, hoping maybe she would take the hint and want to come to Cascade to be with him in his time of need.

It wasn't that Blair didn't have anyone else to lean on or to confide in. But they all had been Jim's colleagues and family. At this time, Blair felt as if he was an outsider. Not that anyone had suggested such a thing to him, but Blair knew he didn't belong with the police department crowd and he definitely didn't belong with Jim's family.

"You know, Ellison," started Blair slowly, "this is your fault. If you would have taken your own advice and ducked, we'd both be here now sharing a beer and swapping stories with each other. Well, no we wouldn't be here, we'd be at the loft, probably out on the balcony, where you loved to stand and watch *your* city. I'd stand by your side and you would describe what you saw, heard, smelled or felt. I know I've already cursed you out, but I can't let go of this anger, Jim. You shouldn't have died. I thought we were going to grow old together, man. I never told you this, but I felt the way you did. Because Naomi and I moved around when I was growing up, I'd lose all my friends shortly after we had become good friends. It got better as I stayed at Rainier, but I never had anyone I could call my best friend, until you came along. It even took us several years to get to that point of best friends. You had a fear of abandonment and so did I. Now, you're gone and I've been abandoned again. By my best friend this time." Blair toed off his shoes and lay back in the bed. He sat staring at the ceiling.

He had blown up at the Major Crime group when they had arrived at Simon's place earlier tonight. First Joel told a story about Jim and then it sort of caught on and everyone started telling their favorite Jim stories. Blair got irritated quickly and walked out of the gathering. Eventually, Joel came looking for Blair and Blair explained he couldn't take the stories anymore and asked if they could all leave. Blair could tell Joel was upset but he said he'd get everyone to leave.

Blair had been on edge since Jim's death two days ago. He didn't want to return to the loft and hadn't been there since the morning of the shooting, when he and Jim had breakfast together. Blair didn't think he could ever return to the loft. It held too many memories, both good and bad and all of them involving Jim. Staying at Simon's house was the best compromise he could come up with on short notice. He had heard William Ellison had offered Blair a place in his house, but Blair knew he couldn't do that. Also, Steven Ellison had offered Blair a place to stay. Blair had explained to both men that he wasn't an Ellison, no disrespect intended, but he had to do this by himself. He was planning to leave Simon's place after the funeral. He was planning to leave the city, actually, although he hadn't told anyone of his plans. He just didn't see any way of staying in Cascade when Jim had died here and so many places in the city reminded him of Jim or something he and Jim had done together in the city.

Blair had even had a run-in with Rainier University. He had called, requesting a leave of absence and was told that he could only have to the end of the semester. Blair got angry with the chancellor and had quit on the spot. He looked back on that now and wished he hadn't been so hasty, but he wasn't going to stay in Cascade anyway, so he couldn't stay at the university. He could find another job in another city or even another state. He had enough education to qualify for many jobs. Or maybe he'd just lose himself in the forest. It sounded tempting.

Blair continued to look at the ceiling, wondering how much of a future he would have without a best friend to share the experience.

"I wish we would have had a deeper bond, Jim. That way, maybe I could have followed you in death. Yeah, I know what you would say about that, Jim. But life just isn't as vibrant as it had been with you in it. You always shared the extraordinary with me, which made my life just that much more special. Now, I don't have that anymore." Blair reached up and wiped the tears from his eyes. "Maybe I'll publish the sentinel study now. I know I told you I would never allow it to happen while you were alive, but now, no one will be able to hound you about your senses and your abilities."

Blair fell asleep with visions of book deals in his head.

~o0o~

The next morning, Blair woke up with a much better attitude about the world at large and Cascade in particular. He came out to the kitchen to see Simon sitting there. Blair got a cup of coffee and sat down at the table beside Simon.

"I'm sorry about last night. Some things are just too fresh to deal with. I couldn't sit there and listen to them talk about Jim as if he wasn't -" Blair realized what he was about to say. "Well, you know what I mean. I'll make an apology to the Major Crime group."

"That won't be necessary, Blair. They understand what you are going through. It was a little too much. By the way, William Ellison called this morning, wanting to talk to you."

Blair groaned. "I know he means well, but I can't deal with Jim's family right now. Thanks, Simon. I'll call him back."

~o0o~

Blair had procrastinated long enough. He picked up the phone and called William Ellison.

"Ellison residence." Sally had answered the phone.

"Sally? It's Blair Sandburg. Mr. Ellison wanted me to call him."

"Just a minute, Blair. I'll get him."

Different thoughts were running through Blair's mind as he waited for William Ellison. He suspected it was probably in regards to the funeral service. Blair had thoughts of skipping out on the funeral, but knew he couldn't do that. He would never be forgiven for such a thing.

"Blair, I'm glad you called. I wanted to give you the information about the funeral." William went on about the arrangements and Blair sort of half-listened as he filled Blair in on everything he was doing to remember and celebrate the life of his son. "If you would like to say something at the service or at the gravesite, you are more than welcome."

"What? Say something? Ah… no, Mr. Ellison. I'm sure no one wants to hear what I have to say and it's not my place to say anything."

"But of course it is, Blair! You were my son's friend, possibly his best friend. If you can't say anything, then who can? I want to give you that opportunity."

"No thank you, Mr. Ellison. My thoughts and memories of Jim are private and I'd prefer to keep them that way. Good day." Blair hung up the phone and left the house to go for a walk.

He didn’t go far this time, just around the neighborhood. Blair knew if he started talking about Jim, his emotions would get the better of him and he'd be lost. Hell, every time he even thought about Jim, the tears threatened to fall again. He was an emotional wreck and there was no way he was going to get up in front of a bunch of people and pour out his heart.

~o0o~

Blair walked back into Simon's house to see Simon talking with Steven Ellison. Both men looked at Blair when he walked in. Blair looked away first, not wanting the scrutiny. Blair started walking towards the kitchen until Simon's voice stopped him.

"Blair, Steven wanted to talk to you about something."

Blair stood a minute with his back to the two men, schooling his features before turning to face them. "Yes? What can I do for you?"

"I was wondering what plans you had for the loft. If you -"

"It's yours. I had no claim on it." Blair turned and resumed his trip to the kitchen.

Steven followed him to the kitchen. "I just don't want to kick you out of a place that has been your home for over four years."

Blair turned around and waved his hands. "Don't worry about it. I don't need it. I'm making arrangements for another place." Blair just wanted the guy gone. Even looking at him, he could see traces of Jim. Blair turned back around and opened the refrigerator.

Steven took the hint and left. Blair closed the refrigerator door and sighed. Why was it that everyone wanted constantly to irritate him? Blair couldn't wait until he could leave the city and find another place to live. The sooner he could leave, the sooner he could start to forget Cascade and Jim Ellison.

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These are my stories chronicling the continuing adventures of Jim Ellison and Blair Sandburg, Sentinel and Guide, partners and friends.

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